Mamscape

It’s been over a week since I’ve last purged. In fact, once I got out of the ward I went to the beach with ben and had a funnel cake. Go figure. But this morning I realized I was going to be left alone for a majority of the morning and, although I always think I can control myself, the deeply rooted seed of bulimia still sits at the bottom of my belly, waiting to be stirred. I ate an extra bowl of cereal, then had ice cream, then strawberries. Since it’s been so long since I last threw up, all I had to do was lightly push my fingers to the back of my throat and everything came up smooth as butter. 3 more gags and I my stomach was clear. I sat there on the bathroom floor, kind of defeated and kind of relieved. I did not freak out durning my binge. Nor did I cry or struggle with the purging. It was calm and relaxing and familiar. I wanted to shake that feeling but I got up and stared at my flushed face in the mirror and rubbed my hands against my neck and collarbone and felt like I was seeing an old friend again.

I had such a wonderful time last night with Ben. We went to a metal show at the Key Club and then to a sex store. I had such fun that I used it as a way of snapping myself out of the trance I was putting myself in. Bulimia isn’t true happiness. I can’t make the pain go away with vomit. I’ve experienced true happiness and it’s not found hunched over a toilet. It’s not found in an over abundance of food. It’s found in love, and I’m lucky to have that in this moment, with very few friends, a lover, and family. They all express it differently but I feel pretty positive about my recovery when I can remember they are tangible where my disorder is not. My disorder cannot hug me nor love me. It’s held me tightly and now I want it’s grip to loosen round my waist and let me live.

#bulimia #eating disorder #recovery #love

16 hours ago on May 24, 2012 at 11:46am

3 notes

shaking-my-confidence asked: i just want to extend wamr hugs and love and tears (yes tears) because i know that weird "just got out of the hospital" surreal feeling is weird and exciting and confusing and scary but i hope you can build on it somehow. in fact i know you can. you're so fucking beautiful, and i don't mean on the outside i mean your heart is fucking hedi klum so there.

You just made me giggle like a school girl. My soul is Hedi Klum. Fuck, I’m a super model. From one super model to another, thank you. Thank you for understanding and for helping me feel less alone.

17 hours ago on May 24, 2012 at 11:34am

Anonymous asked: Hi, sweetheart. I wish I could hug you and just take your pain away. You're beautiful. Stay strong. As much as life may look bad now, there's a whole world out there full of good people and good things :)

you’re right. I just have to look harder. virtual hugs. <3

17 hours ago on May 24, 2012 at 11:32am

theflameisg0ne asked: Hey. Don't hurt yourself please. You're so talented with your art. Just keep trying your hardest and it will pay off. From what I read on your blog you're one of the most genuine persons i've ever seen. The world needs more genuine people. You can do it

…I really love this message. thank you.

17 hours ago on May 24, 2012 at 11:31am

hihelloitscash asked: (2) .. can't be undone and you have so much to live for and I just really hope things get better for you. I sound so stupid aha I'm sorry, I just saw your post and thought it wasn't right that someone should feel like this and I'm just going to stop rambling now but yes, there are always people that love you. Always. Don't ever ever give up. <3

thank you very much. your message was very sweet to come home to. you are a beautiful person

17 hours ago on May 24, 2012 at 11:31am